LOCKJAW (REVIEW)

Dir. Amir Valinia

Reviewer. Dan Cook

Pretty much indistinguishable from the literally hundreds of rubbish made-for-TV schlockers churned out by Asylum Pictures and their similarly low-budgeted ilk, LOCKJAW is a dreadful monster flick with performances almost as bad as its effects. Part ANACONDA and part PUMPKINHEAD, the film sees a bunch of desperately unlikeable American arses being stalked in the middle of nowhere by an ancient Voodooan snake/crocodile thing (looking nothing like the gigantic Python advertised on the DVD), summoned by a vengeful husband whose wife was accidentally killed by the quintet of morons during a fateful car accident.

The movie is about as predictable as these crappy creature features get, with every death being telegraphed as clearly as the worst slasher murders. The actors which include ‘The Last Exorcism’s Louis Herthum and the late rapper DMX are unanimously terrible and the woeful script by Jodie Jones and Evan Scott is skewer-in-the-ear poor. As for the profoundly un-terrifying and unconvincing beast itself, the less said the better.

However, as these bottom of the barrel monster movies go, I’ve seen worse and there are some enjoyably daft moments - particularly one memorable decapitation - that almost make the paltry 77 minute long running time worth at least a look. Or you could just YouTube the scene and do something else much more worthwhile; like stick your tongue in a pencil sharpener or take a cheese grater to the genitals.